New Year, New You (The Dieter’s Diary)

Dear Diary: Today, while flipping through a women’s magazine, I came across an article titled “New year, new you. Drop two sizes in two weeks.” It suggested I keep a diary of my progress for the next fourteen days.  My diet starts tomorrow.  I would have started today, but as I was ridding the pantry of unhealthy snacks, I came across a half-empty bag of chocolate chips and a box of Goldfish crackers.

DAY 1 • Dear Diary: I’m so proud of myself.  For breakfast, I had yogurt, a slice of gluten-free toast, half a pear and three glasses of water. Lunch consisted of a hardboiled egg, chick pea salad and three more glasses of water.  I have to admit, I was really hungry by the time dinner came around.  That glass of coconut milk at two o’clock didn’t satisfy me.  I prepared a beautiful dinner of lasagna and Caesar salad.  (Found in the same magazine as my diet – how convenient!) Hubby loved it. I sipped a cup of chicken broth, nibbled some salad and drank three more glasses of water. Also, I licked hubby’s plate before I put it in the dishwasher. But I’m pretty sure those calories don’t count.

DAY 2 • Dear Diary: I was disappointed in myself when I got up this morning. In the middle of the night, on my second trip to the bathroom (so much water!) I realized I was hungry. Eating a banana isn’t a big deal, but I probably shouldn’t have dipped it in Marshmallow Fluff. The article said not to be discouraged if you slip up while dieting, so I’m sticking with it.  I ate nothing but grapefruit for my next three meals.  Feeling thinner already.

DAY THREE • Dear Diary: I weighed myself this morning and I’ve lost nearly two pounds. Just coffee and yogurt for breakfast.  I had tofu and raw veggies for lunch and a spinach salad for dinner. I watched my husband eat his cheesy enchilada and had to leave the table. When he asked me what was wrong, I lied and said “nothing.” What I really wanted to say was, “Watching you eat makes me want to stab you with a fork.” Eleven days to go.  

DAY FOUR • Dear Diary: Boy, this isn’t working out the way I thought it would.  I feel so hungry all the time.  The diet plan says to drink a glass of water if I have cravings between meals. But no matter how much I drink, my stomach still growls. I’m tired of water, but at least I’m getting more steps in; all those trips to the bathroom really add up.

DAY FIVE • Dear Diary: Today was interesting. I ran errands during my lunch hour and ate in my car. Plain yogurt and a handful of almonds. When I went into the post office, I saw a little kid eating a candy bar. Two minutes later, I was asked to leave. Some parents are so touchy. I only took one bite.  

DAY SIX • Dear Diary: Today I spent my last seventeen dollars on low carb, low taste, no fun protein powder. Mixed up a nutritious shake for lunch. It tasted like sawdust and gave me gas. At dinner, I ate a broiled chicken breast and bean sprouts. I’m miserable. My husband told me that my diet was stupid. I should have told him he was right and asked him to order a pizza. Instead, I stomped off and went to bed. It was only 7PM. Now, it’s midnight, and my growling stomach is keeping me awake. Stupid diet.    

DAY SEVEN • Dear Diary: Today marks the end of week one.  I quit.  I vow to never eat tofu or sprouts again.  No more women’s magazines that print weight loss tips on page 51 and cupcake recipes on page 53. And I won’t follow the advice of diet experts who say getting motivated starts with looking at yourself naked, in front of a full-length mirror. If I want to be shocked, I’ll clean out my crisper drawers.

I tossed the shake mix and magazine in the garbage and decided it was okay to start the new year as the same old me. Happy, mostly healthy and forever unable to squeeze into a size six.

PS: I wonder how much longer before I’m allowed to go back into the post office.

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